JOKES

JEOPARDY' ON THE JEWISH NET...CHANNEL CHAI

1. It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

2. At our Seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

3. Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a chai which is too heavy. It is called a chaiaytel hernia!"

4. What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan.

5. If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a moil carry? A Bris-kit!

6. Jewish Jeopardy: We give the answer, you add the question:

A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip

Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A. classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke

Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer

Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A: Babylon

Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision

Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the internet. The service is to be called "Emoil".

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another." I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," ...another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly
shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly. "Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says,"OK, put some of that in her drink." As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and in a low, slow, and sexy voice, whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping."

So the angel finds the leader of the Babylonians and asks the same question. The leader asks, "What's a commandment." The angel says, "It's something like Thou shalt not steal." The leader says, "Why would we want that, it would ruin our economy."

So the angel goes to see the Jews, finds Moses sitting by himself on a hilltop, tells him God wants to know if he's interested in commandments. Moses asks, "How much do they cost." The angel says, "They're free." Moses says, "I'll take ten."

Jewish Seuss

How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM?

With apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss here's a new ending for the story.

Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER
So let me be!

I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.

I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.

And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzoh brie

And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!

So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,

Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THREE WISE JEWISH WOMEN HAD GONE TO BETHLEHEM INSTEAD OF THREE WISE MEN????

They would have asked directions.
Arrived on time.
Helped deliver the baby.
Hired someone to clean the stable.
Made a brisket.
And brought practical gifts.

And what would they have said to each other after they left?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Virgin? I knew her in school!"

"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"

"I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."

"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"

"We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."

JEWBILATION n.
Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish

TORAHFIED n.
Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

SANTA-SHMANTA n.
The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of humanity celebratesChristmas.
   
MATZILATION v.
Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n.
Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children

CHUTZPAPA n.
A father who wakes his wife at 4:00AM so she can change the baby's diaper.

DISORIYENTA n.
When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

KISSKA n:
Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma

MEINSTEIN slang.
"My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n.
The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n.
Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n.
A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY v.
To be able to determine true ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

FEELAWFUL n.
Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED vb.
To drop out of law school, Medical School business as seen through the eyes of  parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

KINDERSCHLEP n.
To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

SCHMUCKLUCK n.
Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had vasectomy.

OYVAYSCHMEAR:
What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

JEWDO n.
A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.